It’s another one of those sleepless nights.  Hour after hour, I chase an ever elusive dream of a peaceful night.  Though rest escapes me, my mind is at ease and I feel the tension leave my body, muscle by muscle.  Thus relaxed, I retreat to my inner sanctum from which I birth thought.  I momentarily engage my mind in idle speculation concerning another sleepless night.  Moving past that, I come upon a topic that I’ve attempted to conquer, with little to no success:  forgiveness.

I am an unforgiving person.  I allow people their transgressions and trespasses against my person with little thought of retribution.  It is an acceptance of people that allows me such restraint.  I ask that you not confuse that with a lack of concern, or being a push-over.  I simply allow people to be who they are – with regard to my person.  Maybe I’ll speak on that at another time; back to forgiveness.

Any intentional act against my person in any manifestation is not, and has not been forgiven.  Why?  I begin by removing ambiguities; what is forgiveness?  Forgiveness could mean a lot of things to a lot of people – my concern remains with me.  Forgiveness is the act of ending all feelings of resentment towards insert action/object/person here.

More than that, forgiveness is an act of courage and dignity.  Imagine the strength involved in ending ALL feelings of resentment towards a person that has done you wrong, or harm.  Many of us are incapable of forgiving because we need that pain and constant reminder to make our lives bearable.  This insistence upon carrying forward past pains sounds ludicrous.  I ask that you examine yourself and determine how many of your past pains you have carried forward.  Before you answer, determine how many of those past pains have been forgiven, and then ask yourself why you still carry them forward.

I show moments of courage and forgive.  This forgiveness is usually reserved for immediate family.  Occasionally, I offer forgiveness to an S/O.  I have determined that there is a correlation between forgiveness and relationship.  What I have not determined is the depth of this correlation, and its determining factors. 

Perhaps I will have to learn that type of courage.

Walk with me…